You could hear

the hoof beats pound

as they raced

across the ground

And the clatter

of the wheels

as they spun

'round and 'round

And he galloped

into market street

his badge upon his chest

his name was Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west

Now Ernie loved a widow

a lady known as Sue

she lived all alone

in lindley lane

at number twenty-two

They said she was

too good for him

she was haughty

proud and chic

but Ernie got

his cocoa there

three times every week

They called him Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west

She said she'd like

to bathe in milk

he said alright sweetheart

and when he'd finished

work one night

he loaded up the cart

He said you

wanted pasturised

'cause pasturised is best

she says Ernie

I'll be happy if it

comes up to me chest

And that tickled old Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west

Now Ernie had a rival

an evil looking man

called two-ton Ted

from Teddington

and he drove the bakers' van

He tempted her with his

treacle tarts and his

tasty wholemeal bread

and when she seen the

size of his hot meat pies

it very near turned her head

She nearly swooned

at his macaroon

and he said now

if you treat me right

you'll have hot rolls

every morning

and crumpets every night

He knew once she'd

sampled his layer cake

he'd have his wicked way

and all Ernie had to offer

was a pint of milk a day

Poor Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west

One lunchtime Ted

saw Ernie's horse and

cart outside her door

it drove him mad to find

it was still there

at half past four

And as he leaped

down from his van

hot blood through

his veins did course

And he went across to

Ernie's cart and he

didn't half kick his horse

whose name was trigger

and he pulled the fastest

milkcart in the west

Now Ernie rushed

out into the street

his goldtop in his hand

he said if you wanna

marry Susie, you'll fight

for her like a man

Oh, why don't we

play cards for her

he sneeringly replied

and just to make it

interesting we'll have

a shilling on the side

Now Ernie dragged

him from his van

and beneath the blazing sun

they stood there

face to face

and Ted went for his bun

But Ernie was too quick

things didn't go

the way Ted planned

and a strawberry

flavoured yoghurt sent

it spinning from his hand

Now Sue

she ran between them

and tried to

keep them apart

and Ernie pushed her aside

and a rock cake caught

him underneath his heart

And he looked up

in pained surprise

as the concrete

hardened crust

of a stale pork pie

caught him in the eye

and Ernie bit the dust

Poor Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west

Ernie was only fifty-two

he didn't wanna die

now he's gone to make

deliveries in that

milkround in the sky

Where the customers

are angels and ferocious

dogs are banned

and a milkman's life

is full of fun in

that fairy dairy land

But a woman's needs are

many fold

and Sue, she married Ted

But strange things

happened on their

wedding night

as they lay in their bed

Was that the

trees a-rustling

or the hinges of the gate

or Ernie's ghostly

goldtops a-rattling

in their crate

They won't forget Ernie

and he drove the fastest

milkcart in the west