What should have happened at Eurovision 2016

For a 'non political' competition, Saturday's Eurovision Song Contest was the most political it's ever been. It was almost a direct representation of the real-life ongoing feud between Russia and Ukraine - as both Jamala (Ukraine) and Sergey (Russia) fought for top spot. Ukraine won with a heartfelt song about the direct impact of the Kremlin on Jamala's family, now leaving Russia threatening to boycott next year's singing contest. 

We're not about the drama, no we're not. We're about the FUN. A bit like our karaoke - if you can't let go and just enjoy singing during Eurovision, when can you? That's why we've decided to re-rank the acts, according to their actual singing voices, staging and the all important fun factor. Here we go:

1. UK: Joe & Jake - You're Not Alone

Obviously, we're going to support our boys.  If we can't take the official top slot, we can take it in our version! This track sounds like a One Direction best seller - what more could we ask for from our Eurovision entry? Also...they were playing a guitar as well as singing. That deserves credit right there. 

2. Russia: Sergey - You Are The Only One

He climbed up a slanted rubber wall whilst singing. Erm, we can't even sing properly standing still. Ergo - deserves a load of points, no matter what country he represents. Also, tune is mega catchy too. 

3. Israel: Hovi Star - Made Of Stars

Hovi could actually sing, which is always a nice change for the Eurovision. Reminded us of our Sam Smith - he had quite the beautiful staging too, minus gimmicks. We thought he was pretty ace. 

4. Spain: Barei - Say Yay!

We can just imagine Carly Rae Jespsen releasing this track and getting 'that' annoyingly catchy Summer tune in the bag. 

5. Sweden: Frans - If I Were Sorry

Whilst we're the first to admit, the staging was seriously lacking here, the song is actually incredible. Put it this way - if Bieber released this tomorrow, it would be an overnight global hit.  Anthem for sure.

6.Germany: Jamie-Lee - Ghost

She put the entire contents of a Haberdashery store on her head. That's got to earn her some serious points.

7. Australia: Dami Im - Sound Of Silence

Another decent singer, Dami Im did Australia proud. Mainly because she managed to gracefully get down from that gigantic block...in high heels. We salute you Dami. 

8. The Netherlands: Douwe Bob - Slow Down

This song is a huge success in our eyes. It was like Buddy Holly meets Johnny Cash meets The Beatles, all with a cute face at the end of it. What's not to love?

9. Georgia: Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz - Midnight Gold

Whilst this isn't the 'best' song we've heard, what we're happy about is that it isn't a pubescent boy trying to be a heartthrob singing a 1D copycat song. They bought something different to the Eurovision table, and we dig that. 

10. Hungary: Freddie - Pioneer

With his husky, rocker style voice, severe back beat and the odd whistle - we're a bit in love with this track. 

11. Armenia: Iveta Mukuchyan - LoveWave

We liked her for her Beyonce-esque ensemble and sass appeal. Decent set of pipes on her too. We said PIPES, okay? 

12. Malta: Ira Losco - Walk On Water

Not bad, but, we're positive Malta would have bagged the number 1 spot if she actually DID walk on water. On stage. And sing about it at the same time. Asking for too much...?

13. Croatia: Nina Kraljic - Lighthouse

She was very on-point with what seemed like a Game of Thrones inspired robe. That alone made us think she was cool. We weren't too keen on the actual song though. Sorry Brienne of Tarth. 

14. Poland: Michal Szpak - Color Of Your Life

Not only did he look like a Disney character, the song sounded like a Disney soundtrack too. This can only mean good things in our eyes!

15. Belarus: Ivan - Help You Fly

Listen, the wolf graphics were great. The lights and staging were eye catching. But the song? Flatter than our pancakes on Shrove Tuesday. 

16. Belgium: Laura Tesoro - What's The Pressure

Sorry but, was this not Fluer East's hit tune Sax, just with different lyrics and a Belgium singer? 

17. France: Amir - J'ai Cherche

Well...it wasn't bad. But it wasn't good either. It was a 'we can take it or leave it' act, which is never really the lasting impression you want to leave on your audience. 

18. Austria: ZOE - Loin d'Ici

Obviously, couldn't understand a word she said. However, we enjoyed the fact that she looked like The Queen of the Fairies.

19. Ukraine: Jamala - 1944

It was all a bit depressive, dark and the key changes were all over the place. 

20. Azerbaijan: Samra - Miracle

It would take a miracle for us to like this song. NEXT. 

21. Cyprus: Minus One - Alter Ego

It just gave us nothing. We weren't happy, shocked, emotional, moved, excited...nothing. 

22.  Latvia: Justs - Heartbeart

Whilst he's a piece of eye candy, his song was a bit flat from start to finish. Looks alone do not maketh the Eurovision winner, no they do not. 

23. Italy: Francesca Michielin - No Degree Of Separation

Whilst she is a cutie and the staging looked like something out of Midsummers Night's Dream, we've got no idea what she's saying. We hope it was nice things, but who knows. 

24. Serbia: Sanja - Goodbye

She looked like a dark witch from The Chronicles of Narnia. Which is a cool style, don't get us wrong, but the song was a throwaway song from start to finish. Her key change penetrated our skulls too. 

25. Bulgaria: Poli Genova - If Love Was A Crime

Boring, boring and erm...boring.

26. Lithuania: Donny Montell - I've Been Waiting For This Night

He may have been waiting for this night, but we were waiting for his song to finish. The fake tan, the dyed hair, the bad dance moves and the jacket removal half way through - oh dear. Cheese on cheese on toast with grated cheese on top.